Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefa

rious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared .

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

Spoiler:
	'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'

_________________
I am admin, here me edit.

Can't eat Beef .................
Mad cow


Can't eat chicken ...............
Bird flu



Can't eat eggs ...............
Salmonella




Can't eat pork...
fears of trichinosis...


Can't eat fish ...............
heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies .............
insecticides and herbicides




Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."


"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says. 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies. 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says.
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?' ...

Spoiler:
	'You dumb as buffalo shit. It mean someone stole tent!

_________________
I am admin, here me edit.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'


The agent nervously replies,


'He just found a bomb !'

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The undertakers had an alarming time getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started

That is so wrong on several levels

What's wrong Tony? Does your humor emitter array require recharging?

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a drink is. The bartender replies: "For you, no charge."

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.