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 Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition

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1337ness_of_teh_n00b
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PostSubject: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Fri Feb 03, 2012 11:55 am

No evolving your pokemon
No Dark, Psychic, or Ghost pokemon/moves
No potions
No Ekans, Arbok, Seviper, or Serperior
Pokemon must be LV 22 before they can breed
Pokemon of the same gender can not share a daycare center
It is your duty to keep any egg pokemon in the party until LV 18
Legendaries are false idols, and should be killed
Cant use Fossils, Game corners, or drugs (PP Up, Rare Candy, etc)

Will post of my efforts tomorrow.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:36 pm

Okay, posting late. I'm currently working on a post and hope to have it up tonight. I'll save it to a text document if I can't finish it tonight.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:24 pm

So, it begins.

Or something.

First up, I need to give my character a nice Catholic name. Why Catholic? Because it's the Christian stereotype that you're most familiar with, so I don't care if it's not truly representative (for once).

Anyway, back to stereotype driven comedy.

*drumroll for building up to a joke that isn't actually that funny*


I narrowly manage to avoid talking to a guy here, which while not against the rules, is the first step on the road to temptation



This is the bit where it gets intense though.

























































HERESY!!!

Anyway, now to actual gameplay, seeing as that's what this is meant to be about. In theory, anyway.






Just casually throwing away a potion one of the professor's aids gave to me. I DON'T NEED THEIR ATHEIST WITCHCRAFT! Truth be told, I hate this part of the game, so there aren't many screencaps here unless they can be used for a lame joke. So, long story short, I head through the game, doing some grinding with my Cinderquill, casually being a good Catholic schoolgirl, and then, what-do-I-know, some... boy assaults me. Or something.

Come to think of it, I think it's a demon. THOSE QUESTION MARKS ARE UPSIDE-DOWN SIXES!!!

DIE DEMON!


Pretty easy. So far, no great challenges. Well, it is the lame tutorial-thingy-section of the game.

I KNOW, DEMON SPAWN






















































......FURRY DEMON!!!

So, naturally, I report it to the cops. Sure, the athiest witch cops are evil, but they're better than demon furries.

I didn't, but I deduce his name through my mastery of logic and reason. Sadly, names in this strange land are not to exceed ten characters, so my initial guess is impossible. I think for a minute, and then it occurs to me -- demons, being beings being sin, are incapable of upholding a vow. Therefore, THEIR NAMES CANNOT CONTAIN VOWELS! So Demonfurry's real name is...


It has the added bonus of also being 'damnfurry'

And with that great victory, Mary goes to sleep.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:31 pm

Oh you have no idea how much I love you right now.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:38 pm

Also of note, I am currently reading Jack (NSFW), a webcomic which is, more or less, about demon furries.

Obviously a sign.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:04 pm

I have 99.99% of the screenshots I need for the next update, I'll have it up tomorrow or the day after.

It has three new rules.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:14 pm

Also, I read the first two arcs, it reminds me somewhat of JTHM.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:39 pm

I can see definite similarities.

A caution if you plan on reading any more: Jack is, I think, renowned as being just about the most NSFW furry webcomic on the internets. Nudity, sex, gore and other such silliness abound. For most, this would turn them away, though I can see it having the opposite effect on Orandulum.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:03 am

I definitely need to read this.
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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:14 am

Called it.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:28 am

"Excuse me sir, could please stop this dolphin fucking me"?
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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:49 am

Ah, best line.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:23 pm

I figure that overkilling Dark Guitar Maniac by 58 000 on my first attempt means I'm allowed to take a break from SCGMD4 and update this.

Mary woke up refreshed, feeling good pitting evil against evil, and decided to talk in the third person to make this sentence easier.


For those of you unable to tell, yes, that is a picture of Mary waking up refreshed and feeling good about pitting evil against evil.

Also, I'm walking into Cherrygrove, and yes, that is important.


Now, the rule about Pokémon of the same gender not sharing a Pokécenter is a tad ambiguous, so, my personal interpretation, designed to be as harsh as possible: once a Pokémon of one gender uses a Pokécenter, they are the only Pokémon allowed to use that Pokécenter. Ever. I'm also changing the rule slightly and saying that only 'married' (Pokémon who have mated) Pokémon may share a Pokécenter. Oh, and yes, Pokémon mate for life in my run. So this center is exclusively Abraham's (the nickname I gave to my Cinderquill) until he reaches level 22 and has sex with another Pokémon.

Now, back to the story, as that's what this is meant to be about. Or something. I don't know at this point.

Out of curiosity, I talk to the athiests (but probably not witches, that term is reserved for only the truly evil), and learn a shocking truth.





These people do not realise that following the athiest witches costs them their SOULS! At the point, I vow to climb to the top of the athiest witch organisation and bring it down from the inside, and guide these people to the TRUTH. But where to find the athiest witch leader, where to find him?

Oh, and I suppose I should heal Abraham, I trust him to be strong enough to resist the evil side-effects of the sato-demonic healing device.


You would like that, wouldn't you? YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!

I buy some Pokéballs, and go out looking for a second decent Pokémon. All there are around here are Caterpie and Weedle *makes a funnier reference to my RP character than Cracked Atlas did in his rather amusing Yellow nuzloke that you should all check out after you finish reading this*. The radio assures me that there are Pidgey here, but I find none. After what feels like twenty non-Pidgey encounters, I start taking screen shots to prove my point, and guess what?










It's not enough images that it's a hilariously long overly-long joke, and it's not few enough images that I can hilariously fail at making an overly-long joke. It's almost as if the RNG knows what I'm planning on doing with the images and is determined to crush any attempt at a cohesive Let's Play.

However, I make the best of the situation, and before I know it,


Btw, I meant that in the literal sense, I'm pretty sure the RNG generates the numbers before the ball finishes shaking, so Pidgey was literally caught before I knew it.

Also, Catholicisim is traditionally deterministic, so from a philisophical standpoint everything's set in stone before I know it.

But enough of that, I need a good Catholic name for my Pidgey.

I draw my inspiration from VeggieTales.


I heal her up with a berry I collected earlier, I have a lot of those by this point.


I've seen a lot of weird times but... why is that berry scowling at me?


This is the first trainer of note I have encountered. I suspect he has had training from dark forces. Why? He has four Pokémon. FOUR IS THE NUMBER OF DEATH!

10 Pidgey tackles, three Caterpie tackles, and three Weedle Poison Stings later, he goes down. I'm wondering about these Pidgey IVs, I know that gen two females had lower IVs on average, and I just have to wonder.

Seriously, look at her health-bar after killing four level three bugs



Also, it turns out that demons can smell blood...


Seriously, tell me that thing's not a demon. LOOK AT ITS FACE!




IT USES ATHIEST WITCHCRAFT TO HEAL ITSELF

Naturally, I slaughter the thing, and from now on, Hoppip must be killed as though they were Legendary Pokémon.

I claim the Pokécenter in the next town as Esther's.










...okay, it turns out that Pokémon get healed simply by being put in the box. Uh, I guess that the 'Pokémon of the same gender' rule will have to apply to boxes too, or this'll get too easy.

I wonder the town for a little, and... Oh dear


This promises to be awkward.

CLIFFHANGER ENDINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Actually, I just wanna get back to SCGMD4.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:32 pm

"Our poor Mary has only just left home, and already she is straying from her values. She's began worshipping a false God known as RNG. We must pray for her, and hope she see's the light."

Seriously. You're only meant to be believing in /one/ higher power who controls all of your actions.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Sat Feb 18, 2012 12:39 pm

Okay, this update took a while due to TAFE and not having a computer, but it's coming soon.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:37 pm

Okay, this update isn't happening.

This sucks a lot more for me than it does for you, but this just isn't possible atm due to TAFE and crap. To put it in proportion, these posts are more of a timesink than the Fantastic ASCII Zombie Dying Horrible Game.

The third update was gonna be more in line with the quality of the first update than the second, and it may come in the holidays (I have the screencaps saved), but it definately won't come any time soon.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:45 pm

Awww.

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PostSubject: Re: Pokémon Crystal: Christian Edition   Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:52 pm

I shall, however, continue my Yellow nuzlocke. Expect an update next weekend.

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